Tag Archives: conversation

A Conversation #5

Originally from issue #21, August 2010.

“Maybe you just need to give it some time,” she said to me.

“Maybe,” I said, hesitantly. “But it’s not always that easy. I get impatient waiting for things to come down to me. But there’s that thing about the watched pot…”

“It never boils?”

“Well, there’s that, too,” I replied with an asshole grin on my face. “I think I need a vacation. Again. I know I just came back from Iceland in January, but there’s not gonna be too much more time that Johnny Cash can screw right out from underneath you, if you know what I mean.”

“Uh, no. That sounds kinda weird anyway,” she said with a slight look of disgust on her face.

“It’s just been hard for me to find some solid structure to live with. There’s too many distractions and I’m starting to feel lonely again.”

“What do you mean ‘again?’” she asked. “You mean you weren’t lonely for a while? That’s new, isn’t it?”

“Well, it just wasn’t on my mind so much. And really it shouldn’t be right now with all I have to do, but it’s just the little things that make me feel it. Like, I woke up this morning and was in bed, under the covers and just had my boxers on and I tried to figure out the last time I slept with someone else; the last time I felt a naked body against mine.”

“And?”

“Well, it wasn’t SUPER long ago, but at least six months. It’s gone by too quickly.”

“Listen, this is almost over. You’ve got like three weeks and then you’re free, right? At least for the summer,” she stated directly, intently staring me in the face.

“Yeah, and this fall won’t be nearly as much work with school. Just one real class and some research.” I sighed.

“Well, see, there you go,” she said exuberantly while slapping me gently on the back in a playful manner.

“Yeah, I guess so. I dunno. It’s funny how sometimes wanting to be with someone can seem like such a powerful urge. It’s so enticing to want to have someone in your life for whom you care about, to feel how that changes things and makes you see things differently. I have to admit I have some trepidation about my inability to really keep an interest in a relationship for too long.”

“Wait,” she interrupted me. “You mean there are guys who actually want to be in relationships for more than just a few weeks?” She smiled.

I let out a fake dry laugh. “It’s not my fault I’m damaged goods upstairs.” I stopped and caught myself. “Well, maybe some of it is my fault. Trust me, if I knew what I wanted and what I was doing I’d do it. I don’t purposely try and make my dating life shitty. But hey – I think we’re getting ahead of ourselves here.”

“Yeah yeah, you’re right,” she said. “So you’re just gonna Henry Rollins these last few weeks?”

“Henry Rollins? What do you mean by that?” I asked quizzically.

“You know, tough it out. Be a man! Be strong, stay focused and disciplined,” she said with a fairly mocking tone in her voice.

“Woah woah woah. Hold it. First off, fuck you,” I stated matter of factly but with a smile. “Secondly, I don’t know what your idea of who Henry Rollins is actually is, but I will agree that I am going to do my best to be disciplined and get the stuff done I need to do. It’s hard to focus sometimes, though. I’ve always been this bi-polar student that swings between poles of serious dedication and existential distraction.” I put on a dramatic voice, “‘I can’t finish my research paper right now! I have to figure out if anybody loves me!’”

She laughed. “Well, good luck with that.”


A Conversation #4

Originally from issue #21, August 2010.

“Well, it is not every day you come across something like this,” she said while smiling coyly.

“You’re kind of full of yourself, aren’t you?” I tried to say it with a straight face but felt my pseudo resistance giving way to a smile.

“No, not at all,” she replied, her sarcasm taking an egalitarian tone. She turned around and walked slowly down the hallway of the building. I followed after her, lowered my head and butted it gently against her right shoulder.

“What was that?” she asked with a feigned shock that devolved into laughter.

“It was my head butt of affection,” I said, this time with a full, uninhibited smile.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yup.” I lowered my head and did it again.

She laughed and we kept walking. We pushed our way through the double doors and out onto the walkway overlooking the Bay. The sun was in the process of setting behind us and dusk had fully engulfed the islands and water. That eerie feeling that comes with the realization of the time in between two definitive periods came over me. I looked over at her as we walked towards the bus. She looked over at me; the wind – as always a factor this close to the water – was gently blowing her hair and she tucked some strands behind her right ear. We slowed in our walk, she smiled at me and I returned the expression. She grabbed my left hand, squeezed it and then let it go. We walked down the steps to the bus while a purplish hue extended out into the far reaches of the water and to the southeast over the interstate in the distance.


A Conversation #3

Originally from issue #21, August 2010.

“Well, we made it back to Boston.”

“And we have peanuts!” she exclaims, smiling and holding up a handful of miniature bags with the airline’s logo emblazoned onto one side.

“Honey-roasted peanuts,” I add, emphasizing their most delicious attribute. “Forged by gigantic bees in a cauldron of molten lava in a forest in South America.”

“Actually, it says here they were made by Parker’s in Cincinnati,” she says, ruining my imaginary world.

“Same thing,” I say. “Anyway, it was nice of the stewardess to give you so many.”

“Yeah. Was it just me or did she seem a little tipsy?”

“I dunno, but it probably wouldn’t have been the first time it happened.” I pause before saying; “I loved that look on your face when she handed them to you. You looked like a kid that had gotten away with stealing candy.”

“Hey, it was the highlight of my day,” she says matter-of-factly before quickly adding, “besides meeting you, of course.”

“Oh, of course,” I reply, laughing.

“No, really. It was nice meeting you.”

“Well, thanks. It was nice to meet you too. How are you getting home?”

“I’m taking the bus to Manchester.”

“I started the day on a bus. It’s good times.”

“It always is,” she replies, standing up and taking her bag out of the overhead compartment. I do the same a few seconds later. “What about you?” she asks.

“I’ll take the silver line to the red line. It’s not too far. I just live down in Dorchester.”

We exchange pleasant small talk as we leave the terminal. We avoid topics that might spin out of control, knowing that we are soon to part from one another. It’s slightly windy when we get outside and her long, black hair is whipping around.

“This seems familiar,” I say as I glance around and tie my scarf tighter.

“Not for me,” she says. “I was in California this morning.”

“Yeah, I was in Indiana. Same old story.” There’s a pause. “Hey,” I start hesitantly, “I don’t want to be creepy but your hair is really pretty.”

“Oh, thanks,” she says with an awkward smile, while tucking some strands behind her left ear with her right hand. “And it’s not creepy. It’d be creepy if you took my hair and smelled it.” She laughs.

“I had a boss at an old job that did that to a female co-worker of mine. He ended up getting fired.”

“I’d hope so.”

“Yeah…that was a weird job. Anyway, I should probably walk down to my stop.”

“Okay.”

“But it was nice meeting you.”

“Same here.”

There is an awkward pause and I’m ready to extend my hand but right before I do so she says,

“Hey, do you want my phone number?”

I think, “Isn’t that kind of backwards? Shouldn’t she be asking for mine instead?” But I say “sure.” She gives it to me, we shake hands and she smiles a beautiful smile. I walk away and think about her lips. I wasn’t going to kiss her but I wouldn’t mind doing so, either.

But I’m never going to call her. Manchester is too far.


A Conversation #2

Originally from issue #21, August 2010.

“Has anyone ever told you you’re nosy?” she asked, in an annoyed manner.

“I’m just trying to be friendly. Believe it or not, I actually do care.” I tried hard not to be passive-aggressive but asking her about what she had been doing in NYC this past weekend seemed to have overstepped some sort of boundary.

“Whatever.” She had had enough of me. By now, that much was obvious.

“I’m not totally clear on what you expect from me but I –”

“Nothing. I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t want anything from you.”

“I wasn’t trying to suggest you did; I just don’t understand what happened to our friendship.” I was close to pleading.

“We never had a friendship,” she said coldly.

“Oh,” that was news to me. “So what was that when we were hanging out last fall?

“That was just two co-workers having a drink a few times,” she said matter-of-factly. I could tell this conversation was awkward and painful for her.

“Ah, I see. I guess I misinterpreted that night you went with me after work while I ran errands even though I gave you multiple chances to go your own way.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” She knew exactly what I was talking about. She was the one that had instigated our “friendship.” I may have asked her to walk out with me at the end of the workday soon after I started but she had been the one that kept following me around. At the time I found it sweet. Now…?

“Listen, I know you liked me. You told me that yourself. I’m just confused about what I did to make you be so cold towards me.” I tried my best to keep my face its normal hue and not to become flustered or angry. I wanted to let it all go and be straight with her. In my mind I had imagined a conversation something like this (although with better results than where this appeared to be going) but I didn’t want to have it at work.

“You didn’t do anything. Well, I dunno.” She was confused. I was too.

“Yeah, me either.” I didn’t really want to play the game anymore but didn’t want to leave things on a bad note so I mustered up all the courage I had. “I enjoyed when we started hanging out last fall. I thought–think; I still think you’re a pretty cool person. I don’t know what I did to make you not want to talk to me anymore and if I offended you or hurt you I apologize. I know we’re not going to be best friends or anything but if for some reason you do ever change your mind and want to get a drink or catch up/hang out–whatever. I’m still interested in being friends. I don’t have ulterior motives; I just think we have some things in common and I enjoy talking to you. So yeah…”

Her expression hadn’t changed. She was still defensive and angry. She had such a sweet smile but she never showed it to me anymore.

“I’m sorry we had to have this conversation at work.” I sighed with disgust. “I’m gonna let you get back to work now. Sorry…” I couldn’t find anything else to say and as my sorry fruitlessly trailed out of my mouth I backed away from the desk and turned. I walked back to the elevator and pressed the up button.

There was a part of me that wanted to call up my boss and give my two weeks notice. Who cared if I didn’t have another job lined up? There was yet another part of me that took a deep breath as I rode the elevator up to my office and realized how silly so much of life is. This too shall pass. I smiled. Was thinking that just another way of avoiding the deeper issues of hurt and pain? I didn’t know and didn’t care. Realizing the transitory nature of events such as this and given my ability to rise above it like it hadn’t really happened was the best coping mechanism I had.

I made my way to my desk and opened my email. I created a new message to my boss and wrote a two-word email: “I quit.” I attached my time card and walked out of the building. It was a crisp spring day and the wind wasn’t too harsh as I walked across the plaza, down Massachusetts Avenue and made my way home.


A Conversation

Originally from issue #21, August 2010.

“I can’t believe we stayed out until 4am again,” she says.

“Me neither,” I respond, amazed but content.

“So much for getting you to bed early.”

“Yeah. Oh well.”

We carry our inebriated selves into her apartment and she says, “I could go for another beer. Do you want one?”

“No thanks. But I’ll stay up with you if you want one.” She heads to the kitchen and pulls out a Magic Hat from the fridge.

“Do you want to listen to some music?” she asks.

“Sure.”

She puts on the Velvet Underground’s self-titled record, placing the needle down gently as the music warms the room.

“Well, if I’m going to drink I need a cigarette,” she says, standing up from kneeling in front of the record player and going to her bedroom. She pulls a pack of Marlboro Lights out of a drawer and makes her way to the kitchen to climb out on to the fire escape and smoke. I’ve been standing in the frame between the living room and kitchen in order to be out of the way but as she makes her way towards me I grab her by the waist and pull her in for a hug before she can get past me. She hugs me close and I bury my head between hers and her shoulder.

“You’re all trembly – what’s wrong?” she asks with concern.

I stammer as I let go of her embrace. I can’t quite find the words as I follow her over to the window as she climbs out onto the fire escape, lighting her cigarette and sitting down. Finally I blurt out:

“I really wanted to kiss you just now.”

“Yeah, I don’t think my boyfriend would like that,” she says in a calm tone.

“I know,” I reply sheepishly.

There’s a pause as she takes a drag of her cigarette.

“It’s alright,” she says.

I normally can’t stand kissing smokers but with her I don’t think I’d even notice. She takes a swig of her beer.

I chuckle and say, “It’s funny you said your boyfriend wouldn’t like that instead of saying you didn’t want to or something like that.”

“Like I said, I don’t think my boyfriend would like that,” she says as it dawns on me what she’s really saying: I’d like to make out with you and would under different circumstances but not now. I smile while she takes another drag and looks out at the buildings. It’s 5am and the sun is starting to rise.

She takes one more drag and flicks the butt down to the street below.

“I know the people down there probably hate me for doing that.”

She grabs her beer, climbs inside and shuts the window.

“We should listen to some Springsteen and then go to bed,” she tells me. “I want you to hear this song.”

She flips through the stack of records until she finds Springsteen’s “Tunnel of Love.”

“I love this album,” she says as she takes off the Velvet Underground and replaces it with the Boss. “It’s all about how hard it is being married to someone you love so much while still dealing with the things that confront that marriage.”

I glance at the lyrics as I hear the Boss croon, “Tougher Than The Rest.” We listen to a few more songs. Just the music and us. I break the silence.

“I’m sorry about earlier.”

“Don’t worry about it. I appreciate you respecting me once I made things clear. You weren’t pushy about it. It’s okay.”

“Oh yeah,” I say, acting like I’ve done her some big favor when I know I would still jump at the chance to make out if things were different.

She looks out the window and sighs.

“God, I can’t believe the sun is coming up. It’s depressing when I stay up this late.”

“Yeah, I hear ya,” I say.

She flips over the Springsteen record.

“There’s one more song I want you to hear,” she says.

I smile and hold on to some tiny but meaningful feeling of happiness.


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