Originally from issue #21, August 2010.
“Maybe you just need to give it some time,” she said to me.
“Maybe,” I said, hesitantly. “But it’s not always that easy. I get impatient waiting for things to come down to me. But there’s that thing about the watched pot…”
“It never boils?”
“Well, there’s that, too,” I replied with an asshole grin on my face. “I think I need a vacation. Again. I know I just came back from Iceland in January, but there’s not gonna be too much more time that Johnny Cash can screw right out from underneath you, if you know what I mean.”
“Uh, no. That sounds kinda weird anyway,” she said with a slight look of disgust on her face.
“It’s just been hard for me to find some solid structure to live with. There’s too many distractions and I’m starting to feel lonely again.”
“What do you mean ‘again?’” she asked. “You mean you weren’t lonely for a while? That’s new, isn’t it?”
“Well, it just wasn’t on my mind so much. And really it shouldn’t be right now with all I have to do, but it’s just the little things that make me feel it. Like, I woke up this morning and was in bed, under the covers and just had my boxers on and I tried to figure out the last time I slept with someone else; the last time I felt a naked body against mine.”
“And?”
“Well, it wasn’t SUPER long ago, but at least six months. It’s gone by too quickly.”
“Listen, this is almost over. You’ve got like three weeks and then you’re free, right? At least for the summer,” she stated directly, intently staring me in the face.
“Yeah, and this fall won’t be nearly as much work with school. Just one real class and some research.” I sighed.
“Well, see, there you go,” she said exuberantly while slapping me gently on the back in a playful manner.
“Yeah, I guess so. I dunno. It’s funny how sometimes wanting to be with someone can seem like such a powerful urge. It’s so enticing to want to have someone in your life for whom you care about, to feel how that changes things and makes you see things differently. I have to admit I have some trepidation about my inability to really keep an interest in a relationship for too long.”
“Wait,” she interrupted me. “You mean there are guys who actually want to be in relationships for more than just a few weeks?” She smiled.
I let out a fake dry laugh. “It’s not my fault I’m damaged goods upstairs.” I stopped and caught myself. “Well, maybe some of it is my fault. Trust me, if I knew what I wanted and what I was doing I’d do it. I don’t purposely try and make my dating life shitty. But hey – I think we’re getting ahead of ourselves here.”
“Yeah yeah, you’re right,” she said. “So you’re just gonna Henry Rollins these last few weeks?”
“Henry Rollins? What do you mean by that?” I asked quizzically.
“You know, tough it out. Be a man! Be strong, stay focused and disciplined,” she said with a fairly mocking tone in her voice.
“Woah woah woah. Hold it. First off, fuck you,” I stated matter of factly but with a smile. “Secondly, I don’t know what your idea of who Henry Rollins is actually is, but I will agree that I am going to do my best to be disciplined and get the stuff done I need to do. It’s hard to focus sometimes, though. I’ve always been this bi-polar student that swings between poles of serious dedication and existential distraction.” I put on a dramatic voice, “‘I can’t finish my research paper right now! I have to figure out if anybody loves me!’”
She laughed. “Well, good luck with that.”


